Meet Sam

Sam is our new puppy. He is a Cocker Spaniel/Terrier Mix. We got him when he was just barely 8 weeks old. He is now 12 weeks old and very mischievous.

I gave Sam this bunny when we first got him. It is now his best friend. He takes it everywhere, and he has to have it in his kennel with him. At first he would play rough with it, but now he tries to be very gentle. It's very cute how careful he is. It's his buddy.

A few things I've come to learn about Sam:

• He's very intelligent. He learns very quickly. It took me less than 5 min to teach him how to shake.
• He loves to be involved with the family. If we do anything without him (including eat) he whines and cries. When we are getting ready for the day, he will try and stand up to see the mirror to see what it is we are doing.
• He hates water. I haven't yet cured his bath time fright, no matter how many treats it entails. He has to be put in his kennel when I take a shower because it freaks him out so much.
• He's very independent. When it's time to sleep, he doesn't want to cuddle. He wants his own spot on the couch and he doesn't want us to touch him.
• He has a very specific daily routine that can only be altered in the morning. After 5pm, if it's changed at all, bedtime is a nightmare.

He loves Puppy Playtime. We go every Thursday night for 30 min. Last week it was cancelled, and he was heartbroken. When I took him back outside without going to the back with the rest of the puppies, he sat at the door and cried. He loves his puppy friends, and he's not shy at all!


We go to the dog park almost every night, just so we can achieve this! Sam sleeping is a nice break from the little ball of energy he never seems to run out of! But we love this little guy and are hoping that all the trouble and strictness, and training he will turn out to be a well behaved, wonderful dog we can have for many, many years!

What I've Become

If I were given the choice to go back to a year ago and do things differently, I would never take it. I've made a lot of decisions that a lot of people would (and have) judge me for. It may not be acceptable in society. But that's ok. I've lost three best friends, and in return I've gained the love of my life, and I would choose him 1000x's over friends who choose to turn their backs on me. I'm happy. That's all that matters.

Unsure

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I'm still unsure if I want to, but maybe... I dunno.

I've never been someone who distrusts people, but I'm having a hard time with that lately. I don't know who I can trust and who I can't anymore. (With a few small exceptions.) I thought I could trust people, I thought I had some best friends I could trust with everything... I was wrong. I've really never felt hurt like this before. I've never felt abandoned like this before. And it's messing with a lot.

I do know who my best friend is. That wont ever change. I wouldn't have survived without this person.

It's hard for me to blog. It's hard for me to share anything about my life with the public now. But maybe this is a good start?

I have never walked away from you. Ever.

I have never judged you.

I have ALWAYS forgiven you for everything.

I would never walk away from you.

I would always and forever be there for you.

Regardless of the circumstances.

Regardless of the reasons.

Whether or not I believed what you were doing was right or wrong.

Losing you would be more painful.

That’s how much I love you.

That’s how much you meant to me.

Here I sit, with my own thoughts and feelings. It’s 3:32am, and I should really be sleeping. But I can’t sleep. I feel too much, and I’m much too confused for sleep to find me. Who am I? What do I want? Do I have the courage to try for what I want? Those are some questions I have no idea how to answer.

Who am I? That’s a really good question. I am me. What I do know about myself is this: I love my job. It has given me purpose and a life that I didn’t have before and desperately needed. I don’t feel so lost anymore without it. I love my family. I love my friends. Love is easy for me. I fall easy, I fall hard, and I never, ever give up hope. I should be a cynic for how many times I’ve fallen and gotten my heart broken. But I wont. I never will. I will never stop believing that one day, it will happen for me. I trust too much. Trust is also easy for me. It takes betrayal for me to not trust. I forgive easily, but I have a hard time forgetting. I hardly ever get mad. I accept everyone for who they are. I never judge. I’m willing to be friends with everyone. I’m shy. EXTREMELY shy. Making a move scares the hell out of me. Vulnerability overloads my anxiety. I can’t handle it. Rejection causes depression. Control: I seek it. I need it. I have to have something in my life I can control. I can be selfish. I can be weird. I can be lazy. Children brighten my day. The world seems different behind my camera. I’m constantly trying to make sense of people, and constantly being proven wrong about what I think.

What do I want? That’s simple: Someone to love, and be loved in return. I’m a one person at a time sorta girl. I can’t feel for more than one at a time. Right now, I feel a lot. He’s the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. Seeing him brightens my whole day. The thought that he could be gone soon makes everything seem dark. If he does leave, I will miss him more than he will ever know. I could fall for this one, if only I’d let myself.

Do I have the courage to try for what I want: Well, one thing is for sure, I sure as hell am going to try. I’d rather regret the things I did, than the things I didn’t do. I can only hope that it will go well. Even if he does choose to leave, he should know how I feel.

Happy Birthday Katie!!

Yesterday, I went to my friend Katie's 21st birthday party at the Red Door in SLC. She's a friend I work with, and we went out with a bunch of other work friends! It was such a blast!! After chilling for a bit there, we went down the street to the Tavernacle for their Karaoke night and watched people sing! The night ended with a fabulous Mixed Breakfast Burrito from Betos... which just made the night that much more great!

All it did was remind me of why Apple has changed my life, because it truly has. I've never felt so happy with a job before. I know I say I love my job a lot... but it's only because it's the truth. I have an automatic 120 friends who feel like one large family. My managers all care about me as an individual, and never fail to ask me how I'm doing every single day! I've made friendships that are amazing! I finally have something that is mine and I'm so grateful for it. It's amazing!!

Anyways, here are some pictures from the party!!

Me and Katie!

The boys! Top: Woody and Jason; Sitting: Jeremy, Jeff and Greg

Greg and Me!

Katie and Joe singin!

Greg and Mike!

Resentful

I am going to apologize in advance for this post. I shouldn't even be writing it, but I need to get it out of my system. I can barely see straight for this feeling is so blinding its crazy.

I don't know how to stop feeling resentful. I'm not angry or resentful to anyone in particular. In fact, I'm so happy for everyone getting the things they want out of life. But I'm jealous. Not in a bad way... not in the "I hate you because you have it" way... but in a very "Why can't I have it too." I know all the arguments. I know it will happen eventually. I know that one day, this will all seem like a bad dream. But that doesn't help me NOW. I want to feel like something is actually working in my life. I can't disqualify my amazing job, but for me a job isn't what makes life, life. All I've ever wanted out of life is to marry a good guy, and have a family... yet for me it just feels impossible. Every time I hear of someone getting married or getting to have a baby, I wonder why they get to and I don't. Granted I could still be married, and possibly even have a baby if I had chose to stay, and I'd rather be where I am now then ever even consider that, so I'm being a huge baby right now, but ugh. I just want the bad feelings to go away. I want to be content with my life the way it is, and I'm just not. I'm lonely... all the time! I hide out with my books or behind my job, because I feel like one more rejection is just going to put me over the edge. And yet, how will I ever find it if I don't deal with the rejections?

It makes no sense to me either. I'm crazy I know. So I'm sorry for sounding so awful.