Unsure

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I'm still unsure if I want to, but maybe... I dunno.

I've never been someone who distrusts people, but I'm having a hard time with that lately. I don't know who I can trust and who I can't anymore. (With a few small exceptions.) I thought I could trust people, I thought I had some best friends I could trust with everything... I was wrong. I've really never felt hurt like this before. I've never felt abandoned like this before. And it's messing with a lot.

I do know who my best friend is. That wont ever change. I wouldn't have survived without this person.

It's hard for me to blog. It's hard for me to share anything about my life with the public now. But maybe this is a good start?

I have never walked away from you. Ever.

I have never judged you.

I have ALWAYS forgiven you for everything.

I would never walk away from you.

I would always and forever be there for you.

Regardless of the circumstances.

Regardless of the reasons.

Whether or not I believed what you were doing was right or wrong.

Losing you would be more painful.

That’s how much I love you.

That’s how much you meant to me.

Here I sit, with my own thoughts and feelings. It’s 3:32am, and I should really be sleeping. But I can’t sleep. I feel too much, and I’m much too confused for sleep to find me. Who am I? What do I want? Do I have the courage to try for what I want? Those are some questions I have no idea how to answer.

Who am I? That’s a really good question. I am me. What I do know about myself is this: I love my job. It has given me purpose and a life that I didn’t have before and desperately needed. I don’t feel so lost anymore without it. I love my family. I love my friends. Love is easy for me. I fall easy, I fall hard, and I never, ever give up hope. I should be a cynic for how many times I’ve fallen and gotten my heart broken. But I wont. I never will. I will never stop believing that one day, it will happen for me. I trust too much. Trust is also easy for me. It takes betrayal for me to not trust. I forgive easily, but I have a hard time forgetting. I hardly ever get mad. I accept everyone for who they are. I never judge. I’m willing to be friends with everyone. I’m shy. EXTREMELY shy. Making a move scares the hell out of me. Vulnerability overloads my anxiety. I can’t handle it. Rejection causes depression. Control: I seek it. I need it. I have to have something in my life I can control. I can be selfish. I can be weird. I can be lazy. Children brighten my day. The world seems different behind my camera. I’m constantly trying to make sense of people, and constantly being proven wrong about what I think.

What do I want? That’s simple: Someone to love, and be loved in return. I’m a one person at a time sorta girl. I can’t feel for more than one at a time. Right now, I feel a lot. He’s the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. Seeing him brightens my whole day. The thought that he could be gone soon makes everything seem dark. If he does leave, I will miss him more than he will ever know. I could fall for this one, if only I’d let myself.

Do I have the courage to try for what I want: Well, one thing is for sure, I sure as hell am going to try. I’d rather regret the things I did, than the things I didn’t do. I can only hope that it will go well. Even if he does choose to leave, he should know how I feel.

Happy Birthday Katie!!

Yesterday, I went to my friend Katie's 21st birthday party at the Red Door in SLC. She's a friend I work with, and we went out with a bunch of other work friends! It was such a blast!! After chilling for a bit there, we went down the street to the Tavernacle for their Karaoke night and watched people sing! The night ended with a fabulous Mixed Breakfast Burrito from Betos... which just made the night that much more great!

All it did was remind me of why Apple has changed my life, because it truly has. I've never felt so happy with a job before. I know I say I love my job a lot... but it's only because it's the truth. I have an automatic 120 friends who feel like one large family. My managers all care about me as an individual, and never fail to ask me how I'm doing every single day! I've made friendships that are amazing! I finally have something that is mine and I'm so grateful for it. It's amazing!!

Anyways, here are some pictures from the party!!

Me and Katie!

The boys! Top: Woody and Jason; Sitting: Jeremy, Jeff and Greg

Greg and Me!

Katie and Joe singin!

Greg and Mike!