I am going to apologize in advance for this post. I shouldn't even be writing it, but I need to get it out of my system. I can barely see straight for this feeling is so blinding its crazy.
I don't know how to stop feeling resentful. I'm not angry or resentful to anyone in particular. In fact, I'm so happy for everyone getting the things they want out of life. But I'm jealous. Not in a bad way... not in the "I hate you because you have it" way... but in a very "Why can't I have it too." I know all the arguments. I know it will happen eventually. I know that one day, this will all seem like a bad dream. But that doesn't help me NOW. I want to feel like something is actually working in my life. I can't disqualify my amazing job, but for me a job isn't what makes life, life. All I've ever wanted out of life is to marry a good guy, and have a family... yet for me it just feels impossible. Every time I hear of someone getting married or getting to have a baby, I wonder why they get to and I don't. Granted I could still be married, and possibly even have a baby if I had chose to stay, and I'd rather be where I am now then ever even consider that, so I'm being a huge baby right now, but ugh. I just want the bad feelings to go away. I want to be content with my life the way it is, and I'm just not. I'm lonely... all the time! I hide out with my books or behind my job, because I feel like one more rejection is just going to put me over the edge. And yet, how will I ever find it if I don't deal with the rejections?
It makes no sense to me either. I'm crazy I know. So I'm sorry for sounding so awful.
