I am going to apologize in advance for this post. I shouldn't even be writing it, but I need to get it out of my system. I can barely see straight for this feeling is so blinding its crazy.
I don't know how to stop feeling resentful. I'm not angry or resentful to anyone in particular. In fact, I'm so happy for everyone getting the things they want out of life. But I'm jealous. Not in a bad way... not in the "I hate you because you have it" way... but in a very "Why can't I have it too." I know all the arguments. I know it will happen eventually. I know that one day, this will all seem like a bad dream. But that doesn't help me NOW. I want to feel like something is actually working in my life. I can't disqualify my amazing job, but for me a job isn't what makes life, life. All I've ever wanted out of life is to marry a good guy, and have a family... yet for me it just feels impossible. Every time I hear of someone getting married or getting to have a baby, I wonder why they get to and I don't. Granted I could still be married, and possibly even have a baby if I had chose to stay, and I'd rather be where I am now then ever even consider that, so I'm being a huge baby right now, but ugh. I just want the bad feelings to go away. I want to be content with my life the way it is, and I'm just not. I'm lonely... all the time! I hide out with my books or behind my job, because I feel like one more rejection is just going to put me over the edge. And yet, how will I ever find it if I don't deal with the rejections?
It makes no sense to me either. I'm crazy I know. So I'm sorry for sounding so awful.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Time to make some changes!
It's hit time for me to make some changes in my life. While parts of my life are amazing, other more important parts are not.
You see, I love my job. It's amazing. I'm good at what I do, and my abilities and knowledge is appreciated and acknowledged by my managers and my coworkers. I love that. I've never had a job where I've felt as accepted as I do, nor have I ever felt like I belong the way I do now. I've made some incredible friends and I have no intention of leaving anytime soon.
In my personal life, things are good as well. While I still don't date much, I have some amazing, incredible friends who I know are always there for me. My family are all wonderful and supportive. I have a lot of people who have always been there and helped me get where I am today. I'm strong and happy and I wouldn't be where I am without everyone.
However, it's my church life that is struggling. I love my church and I believe wholeheartedly in it. I never would have survived my divorce without the blessings that come from this truly amazing religion, nor would I have been able to remain strong and resist going back when it felt like the only person who wanted me was him. Being Mormon is not easy. It comes with sacrifices of the world and sometimes those weigh heavily, but in the end, at least to me, they are worth it. The problem I'm facing now is figuring out which ward to go to. I no longer feel like I should be attending the ward I've been going to. I have no desire to go back. Yes, I will admit that at least half of what I'm feeling is because of what happened with my friend, but the other half feels like I'm not finding what I need to find where I'm at. The problem is finding out where I need to go. It's gotten to a point where if I don't have an idea on what ward to go to, I just don't go. That needs to stop. But I'm just so lost at where I should be, I don't know what to do.
Anyways, that's where I'm at right now. A little lost and confused, but for the most part... I'm very happy with how things are going in my life. I'm actually starting to enjoy being single, and not feeling the pressure of needing to be married. That's something I never thought was going to happen!
Anyways, I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving! I'm excited for the day off! :)
You see, I love my job. It's amazing. I'm good at what I do, and my abilities and knowledge is appreciated and acknowledged by my managers and my coworkers. I love that. I've never had a job where I've felt as accepted as I do, nor have I ever felt like I belong the way I do now. I've made some incredible friends and I have no intention of leaving anytime soon.
In my personal life, things are good as well. While I still don't date much, I have some amazing, incredible friends who I know are always there for me. My family are all wonderful and supportive. I have a lot of people who have always been there and helped me get where I am today. I'm strong and happy and I wouldn't be where I am without everyone.
However, it's my church life that is struggling. I love my church and I believe wholeheartedly in it. I never would have survived my divorce without the blessings that come from this truly amazing religion, nor would I have been able to remain strong and resist going back when it felt like the only person who wanted me was him. Being Mormon is not easy. It comes with sacrifices of the world and sometimes those weigh heavily, but in the end, at least to me, they are worth it. The problem I'm facing now is figuring out which ward to go to. I no longer feel like I should be attending the ward I've been going to. I have no desire to go back. Yes, I will admit that at least half of what I'm feeling is because of what happened with my friend, but the other half feels like I'm not finding what I need to find where I'm at. The problem is finding out where I need to go. It's gotten to a point where if I don't have an idea on what ward to go to, I just don't go. That needs to stop. But I'm just so lost at where I should be, I don't know what to do.
Anyways, that's where I'm at right now. A little lost and confused, but for the most part... I'm very happy with how things are going in my life. I'm actually starting to enjoy being single, and not feeling the pressure of needing to be married. That's something I never thought was going to happen!
Anyways, I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving! I'm excited for the day off! :)
Friday, October 9, 2009
My life these days!
So I was looking around my blog and realizing that I haven't really updated about my life lately... it's not much, but I used to update my progress as far as healing from my divorce went. Now that I'm in a place where I don't think about it everyday, and I'm truly happy and content with everything that I did and chose, I don't feel like I have a lot to write about, but I will try!
As far as me goes, I am great. I feel like even though the years with Will will always be a part of who I am, and a part of my life, it no longer makes me who I am. It helped to define me and get me to where I am, but my life is mine now. I don't think about him, or that time as much as I used to. I've truly moved on, and although a divorce is something that takes a lot of time to heal from, I feel like I'm pretty much healed. Anything left over will just go away throughout the years. It's an amazing feeling to look back on my life a year ago and realize just how grateful I am to have survived and come out still positive. It's a shock to even me how instead of feeling like I never want to date, or get married again, but I still actually dream about it everyday! I cannot wait for that dream to come true, and I know when it does, it'll have been worth every tear and every ounce of patience I have put into it.
My life generally revolves around my job. As previously mentioned, I work at the Apple Store in the Gateway Mall as an iPhone Expert. It's one of the best jobs I've ever had. I love working there and I've made some amazing friends at work. Not only is it fun, but it's so rewarding. I'm actually good at my job and it makes me feel so good when I can help make someone's iPhone experience that much more enjoyable. Although its a lot to learn, it's worth it. I'm now so grateful to have worked for Qwest, Verizon Wireless, RadioShack (sold Sprint and Verizon), and Cricket in the past. My knowledge and experience in the wireless industry helps me to succeed every single day in my job. I don't think I've ever felt how rewarding it can be to actually feel like all those insignificant jobs I hated have come to be the most useful tools I could have asked for!
Although dating is still a rough spot, I have gone on a couple dates in the last couple months. Nothing big or great, but something is nice. I'm glad to finally feel even the want to date!
Me and my friend Andrea have been busy working on getting our business going. We are going to open a daycare. It's been my dream for years and now I'm finally working on doing it! I'm so glad I have someone who wants to do it with me because I don't think I could do it alone. It's a lot of work, but if we can actually succeed, I will be ecstatic! I love children, and I've always loved every daycare job I've had. I have been planning over the past 2 years or so to open a very nice low income daycare. It's definitely going to be one of the biggest challenges ever, but also the most rewarding. (30 pages of laws and policies from the state is a lot to learn before even considering it!) Because Andrea is getting married in March, we will probably be looking to open it sometime around the end of Spring, early summer of next year!
Anyways, that's my life these days. Nothing big, but definitely happy!
As far as me goes, I am great. I feel like even though the years with Will will always be a part of who I am, and a part of my life, it no longer makes me who I am. It helped to define me and get me to where I am, but my life is mine now. I don't think about him, or that time as much as I used to. I've truly moved on, and although a divorce is something that takes a lot of time to heal from, I feel like I'm pretty much healed. Anything left over will just go away throughout the years. It's an amazing feeling to look back on my life a year ago and realize just how grateful I am to have survived and come out still positive. It's a shock to even me how instead of feeling like I never want to date, or get married again, but I still actually dream about it everyday! I cannot wait for that dream to come true, and I know when it does, it'll have been worth every tear and every ounce of patience I have put into it.
My life generally revolves around my job. As previously mentioned, I work at the Apple Store in the Gateway Mall as an iPhone Expert. It's one of the best jobs I've ever had. I love working there and I've made some amazing friends at work. Not only is it fun, but it's so rewarding. I'm actually good at my job and it makes me feel so good when I can help make someone's iPhone experience that much more enjoyable. Although its a lot to learn, it's worth it. I'm now so grateful to have worked for Qwest, Verizon Wireless, RadioShack (sold Sprint and Verizon), and Cricket in the past. My knowledge and experience in the wireless industry helps me to succeed every single day in my job. I don't think I've ever felt how rewarding it can be to actually feel like all those insignificant jobs I hated have come to be the most useful tools I could have asked for!
Although dating is still a rough spot, I have gone on a couple dates in the last couple months. Nothing big or great, but something is nice. I'm glad to finally feel even the want to date!
Me and my friend Andrea have been busy working on getting our business going. We are going to open a daycare. It's been my dream for years and now I'm finally working on doing it! I'm so glad I have someone who wants to do it with me because I don't think I could do it alone. It's a lot of work, but if we can actually succeed, I will be ecstatic! I love children, and I've always loved every daycare job I've had. I have been planning over the past 2 years or so to open a very nice low income daycare. It's definitely going to be one of the biggest challenges ever, but also the most rewarding. (30 pages of laws and policies from the state is a lot to learn before even considering it!) Because Andrea is getting married in March, we will probably be looking to open it sometime around the end of Spring, early summer of next year!
Anyways, that's my life these days. Nothing big, but definitely happy!
Monday, September 14, 2009
A Day Out With Friends! (And a little update!)
Since Andrea is getting married, we all went to the Bridal Fair where we took advantage of the Photo Booths they had and then to Denny's for lunch and wandered the mall for awhile! It was great to get out with friends!
Also in other update news, I got a job at the Apple Store at the Gateway mall! I love it! Just today I was made an iPhone Expert which means I deal primarily with iPhone sales, setup, and minor problems. (I can work with computers and stuff too but I know a lot about the wireless industry so it fits with my experience.) Its not a huge promotion or anything, but it is a cool thing that in only 3 weeks, my managers thought that I'd be good for the position and asked if I would want to do it. I love it already. I've definitely been blessed when it comes to my job!
Also in other update news, I got a job at the Apple Store at the Gateway mall! I love it! Just today I was made an iPhone Expert which means I deal primarily with iPhone sales, setup, and minor problems. (I can work with computers and stuff too but I know a lot about the wireless industry so it fits with my experience.) Its not a huge promotion or anything, but it is a cool thing that in only 3 weeks, my managers thought that I'd be good for the position and asked if I would want to do it. I love it already. I've definitely been blessed when it comes to my job!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Park City trip with my Family!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Timpanogos Cave Hike
Today, my singles ward hiked up to Timpanogos Peak, but with my bad knee, I was not able to go. (14 mile hike mind you) I was way bummed about it, so Andrea decided we should just hike the cave! (1 1/2 miles up, 3 miles total). It was way fun, and although painful... totally worth it!
The group of us who went. Jake (Andrea's cousin), Seth (Andrea's Boyfriend), Ryan (Andrea's brother), Andrea, and Me.
Me and Andrea
Me, Andrea, and Seth
They made us wear our backpacks in the front during most of the cave!
It was 45 degrees in the cave! COLD!Saturday, July 25, 2009
Playing BANG with Friends!
I absolutely LOVE this game! I've been playing it with my friends every week this month and it's SO much fun!! We got together last night and played. It was a blast!
Me and Mikey being weird for the camera! :)
Sean and Celeste
Chris and Ian
Chris, Ian, and Sean
Mikey
Marcus teaching us his fancy expanded version.Thursday, July 23, 2009
Weber Fireworks
Went to the Weber State Fireworks on the 19th. It was awesome! Thought I'd post a couple pics from that night as well! :)
Me and Ian
Tryin to get a pic... Mike was the only one who smiled! LOL
Mike and Ian bein weird. LOL
Celeste. LOL
Finally convinced Kendall to smile for a picture!
Me and Ian
Tryin to get a pic... Mike was the only one who smiled! LOL
Mike and Ian bein weird. LOL
Celeste. LOL
Finally convinced Kendall to smile for a picture!Birthday/Single For A Year Party
On the 20th, I had a party to celebrate my 24th birthday (which isn't until the 26th) as well as having been divorced for a year! It was a lot of fun!!! We had amazing food, cake, and played with fireworks after dark. A few stayed and we watched a movie. It was a great night filled with lots of friends. It's so great to feel the support of all the people around me. It only reinforces that I definitely made the right decision!!! Here are pics from the party!!
Hanging out with Kendall on the ground!
Me and Todd Hooper! So glad he came!
People hangin out!
Me and Tisha!
Eatin Cake! :) (Yes this one is out of order!)
Proof that Dave and Chelsie finally came and hung out with us!! :)
Me and my cake!
It says "Whatever with the past has gone, the best is always yet to come"
Me and Jamie!!
All the girls! We were all laughing so hard!!!
Cute kids! Hadley, Asher, Josh, and Taylor!
Playing with Roman Candles! LOL
Andrea brought glow sticks! It made for interesting pictures!
Playin with the Fireworks! Mikey is crazy! LOL :)
Me and Mikey gettin more fireworks ready!
Lindsey and Jenn!
I couldn't get the lighter to light, so Mike did it for me! :)
Hanging out with Kendall on the ground!
Me and Todd Hooper! So glad he came!
People hangin out!
Me and Tisha!
Eatin Cake! :) (Yes this one is out of order!)
Proof that Dave and Chelsie finally came and hung out with us!! :)
Me and my cake!
It says "Whatever with the past has gone, the best is always yet to come"
Me and Jamie!!
All the girls! We were all laughing so hard!!!
Cute kids! Hadley, Asher, Josh, and Taylor!
Playing with Roman Candles! LOL
Andrea brought glow sticks! It made for interesting pictures!
Playin with the Fireworks! Mikey is crazy! LOL :)
Me and Mikey gettin more fireworks ready!
Lindsey and Jenn!
I couldn't get the lighter to light, so Mike did it for me! :)
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