A momentous occasion

Yes folks, as of yesterday, I have lost a total of 10 pounds since my divorce! Go me!!!

Feelings of Forever

Feelings of forever come so very strong
They follow us like jewels that light the path behind
Calenders of time we almost knew
That tremble in a lamp much brighter than the sun

I recall the morning you arose
Shining like a star on an endless sea of sand
And the tender child in your eyes
As the compass rose out, I took your hand

And now we lift the veil and try to understand
And reach for what we were before we were
To finally come again back to the start where we began

Somethings at the gate and rushing through
All the rusty chains of time can't hold it back
Memories of a former life that we knew
The feelings are so strong and coming through

5 months later

It has officially been 5 months since I left Montana. Strange how time flies. I finally feel like everything is lifting and the dark clouds are going away. It feels amazing and free. Will is still around in a way. He calls every single day and still begs me to come back, but I don't want to. I'm finally to a point where I don't have to remind myself why I shouldn't, because I just plain do not want to go back! I'm finally over him. I'm not in love with him anymore (and this time I'm sure. I'm not just saying it to try and make myself believe it... I actually mean it!). I love him for who he is and the part in my life that he played and I'd never take the last 3 years of my life back for anything, but I'm ready to move on! I feel like my "pursuit of happyness" has headed down a good, happy road.

I'm still at the theater, but I'm ready to move on there too. I took the job because I needed something that was easy while I sorted out my life. I'm ready now for more and so I have started the job hunt for something different. The theater is great, and I'll probably stay on one day a week, or on call, just to keep my movie benefits, but I'm ready for a full time adult job.

I finally got to see Twilight... and I've seen it 4 times, and I'm planning to go Monday to see it my 5th. I love it SOO much and really think they did a fantastic job with what they had to work with. I have no real complaints with it, and will probably continue to see it as long as my theater has it. (I see it for free, so it's not like I'm spending a whole lot of money on it!) :) If anyone wants to see it, let me know and I will take you!

I'm almost finished with this semester of school which is fantastic. After this semester, I will only have 13 credits left until my associates degree, so as long as everything works out, I will be finished in May. I don't know if I'll go on for my bachelors yet, I may need to take a break but I'm happy that I will at least be finished with the hard stuff.

I'm getting a calling in my ward for church which is fantastic! I haven't had a calling in over 4 years so I'm ecstatic. I'm going to be the Young Single Adult Representative for my ward, which means I will be in charge of letting all of the 18-30 year olds in my ward know when activities are, and keep up to date with everyone. I think it will give me a good opportunity to be able to meet a lot of people because I will have to go to stake meetings and meet other people, as well as attend all the activities!

As far as boys go, I haven't really been dating at all. There is a guy I work with that I'm kinda attracted to, but I'm trying to avoid dating anyone from the theater (we know what happened the last time I did that). I'm also struggling with some overpowering chemestry from a friend of mine. We've been friends for years and we have some excessive chemestry, but I don't know if I want it to go anywhere. So far, we've kept it in the "friends" boundary lines, but we'll see! :)

Thanksgiving was ok. I had dinner with my family and grandparents (my first real Thanksgiving dinner in 4 years!!!) which was fabulous. But I had to work that night, and well let's just say that people are mean on Thanksgiving!!! Wow!

Anyways, there's an update on my life so far. I hope everyone is doing well!!!!!

Haircut

I got my hair cut and thought I'd post. I don't know if you can tell, but it's shorter.

Disneyland/Hollywood and Halloween

I was able to go to Disneyland and Hollywood a week ago and it was fabulous! I LOVE Disneyland at Halloween! I've never seen it before so it was AMAZING! I thought I'd post some pictures of my trip! This first pic is of my cousin Amy, me and my brother Nate at a picture spot by Thunder Mountain.

Me and Mr. Toad!

Me, Amy and Nate on Space Mountain

The entrance for the Haunted Mansion! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this ride at Halloween! I LOVE the Nightmare before Christmas!!!!

Since my favorite is Tinkerbell, I had to take a pic of the Tink pumpkin

Me and Nate on the day we went to Hollywood.

The El Capitan Theatre in Hollywood

Me and Johnny Depp's hands! MMM.

I had to try out Hermione's hands! They are about as small as mine!

The Halloween sign in California Adventure!

The N in California all dressed up for Halloween!

The Mickey Pumpkin! I ALWAYS wanted to see this! I LOVE it!

My brother Nick is in the Marching Band at Davis High and they marched down Main St. in Disneyland right before the parade. This is why we went to Disneyland in the first place. That's him, holding the American Flag.

The beautiful castle at night. I think I could stare at it all day!!!

My aunt Sue (singing along with Snow White), Amy, and Nate at the Wishing Well. (My 2nd favorite thing in Disneyland!)

The Buzz ride!!! I think this ride is fabulous!

My aunt let me drive her van to Disneyland by myself (Nate was there too) from her house. I took a picture so I could remember where I parked!

Me hangin out at my aunts house. I just had to show off my shirt! It says "This world is big enough for Vampires and Wizards".


Last night I went to three different Halloween parties with Aubrey and Andrea. I only got pics at the first one... Ashley's birthday at Nickelcade. But here they are.

Ashley and Aubrey

Andrea, Me, and Aubrey

Andrea and me

Me and Aubrey! (I'm SOOO happy you are home!)

Me and Ashley! Happy Birthday Ash!!!

Best news EVER!

Well, I can officially tell you what happened with my "illness". Last week, I had an appointment with my doctor for an annual... and she suggested having a STD pannel done since I just got divorced, so I did. One of the tests came back positive for Hepatitis C. Scariest thing EVER!

Well, I went to a family practice doctor yesterday to start treating it, and because I haven't ever done anything to warrant me having Hep C, he wanted to run another test to make sure. About half an hour ago, I found out that I DO NOT have Hep C. The first test was a false positive!!!!!!!! I'm SO relieved!!!

4 months apart, 3 months single

Per my aunts request... here's an update for you about my life.

I've officially been away from Montana for 4 months. Crazy how time flies. I can't say things have gotten easier. In certain aspects they have, such as I don't have a desperate need to be with Will anymore. I do miss him, but I know I have made the right choice. I know it sounds dumb and is probably completely wrong of me to say, but right now the hardest thing is that I am hurting him. (I know that it sounds rediculous, but I can't help it. That's what love is right? You don't want the other person to hurt, even if they hurt you. And yes, I do still love him. I don't know if that will ever change.) He wants me to come back so bad, it's crazy. The problem is that he should have said the things he is saying 4 months ago before I left. He's literally begging (and I mean crying/guilt trips/telling me how much he loves and misses me) me to come back. I can't. I just can't do that again. He hurt me too bad after our divorce... and even if we were divorced, the things he did were hurtful and mean. I'm finally getting to the point where some days I don't want to talk to him! And some days I don't. I still don't call him unless I need something, but he still calls me almost every day.

For the last week, I have been in fear of having to deal with a possible "illness" that is not easily fixed. I don't want to go into too much detail about it because until I know for sure that I have it, I don't want to freak people out. I had a blood test that says that I have it, however the doctor I went to see yesterday thinks there is a good chance that the test was wrong. I haven't done anything that would cause me to get this and so he's going to check again and let me know. Lucky me, I'll probably find out the results of the test in Disneyland. Lets pray I'm ok cause I don't want to have to deal with something like this. It really scares me.

Working at the theater is fabulous! I absolutely love it! Sounds crazy? Yes... but I forgot how much I love it there. My bosses are FABULOUS not to mention my friends. I work 3-4 days a week in the box office where I can just read and do homework when it's not busy (which is most of the time) and I almost always work days so I don't have to close. I love it.

I've also been helping out my cousin by watching her two-year-old daughter Kenlee while she's at work. She just started this week, but I'm going to be watching her on the mornings I don't work. I think I forgot how much I LOVE two-year-olds. Maybe I'm crazy or somethin, but I love them. Kenlee is so smart. She comunicates so much better than most of the two-year-olds that were in my daycare. I can ask her a question and she answers it... even if it's something that I thought would confuse her, it doesn't. She does a lot of sign language which I'm slowly learning (probably more to her frustration cause it takes me a minute to figure out what she's asking). This is actually probably the highlight of my week... hangin out with a two-year-old. I love it!!!!!

I took some pics of Kenlee today, I thought I'd post. She's so cute!

In Need of Something More

I feel the need to go on a small vacation by myself. I'm going to California on Friday to Disneyland and to see Hollywood (which I have never seen before so I'm ESTATIC!) and I can hardly wait. Maybe that'll be enough to satisfy me, but I really want to go to like a tiny town on the coast of some bay of water to a tiny little inn and be by myself in an environment I'm completely new to. I think that's why I want to go to Forks so bad. I don't know... I just need to get away by myself... I don't know... I'm frustrated! But like I said... California just may be the thing I need to clear my head. Life is seriously frustrating me right now!

Hello Protege!

Yes, I got a new car tonight!!!! It's a 1997 Mazda Protege and I got it for $3200. It has a sunroof, a great stereo with CD/MP3/iPod hookups, auto, a/c, cruise control, and well... it's a great car! I'm stoked!!!!!!

CALI here I come!!!!!!

Yes folks... I'm going back to Disneyland and I can't WAIT!!!!! I'm so excited! I'm leaving Oct. 24th and will be back Tues the 28th. I only get to go to Disneyland on Monday, but that's ok. I get to spend 3 1/2 days in California and I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever wonder where my love for animals came from?

My first kitten, Snowball

My hampster, Thumper

Mowgli
and after Mowgli came my kitten Snickers, which I do not have a picture of

Milo

Milo's five kittens, Tiger, Piglet, Eeyore, Gonzo, and Pooh

Roxy and Lucky

Sam and Luna, my Cedar City kitties who technically were Jessica and Tisha's. (My roommates)

Grizz... my favorite dog in the whole entire world. He's not mine, but I love him just the same!

Tiger, my brother's cat

And finally, TINK. My brand new not so much a baby anymore kitten.

So there ya go. All the pets I have had, or lived with at some point.
(With the exception of Java, the dog I hate, and my ex-mother-in-laws four cats)

Why I Believe In God

For anyone who knows me, or has spent any significant amount of time with me in the last 7 years will know that I have struggled with my religion. I am technically a mormon and I believe in the church, just struggle to follow it the way I should. I have questions and doubts in ways I probably shouldn't have. I know the answers to my questions, but I have a difficult time accepting them sometimes. But one thing has never wavered and that's my belief in God.



I believe in God more today than I ever have before. I have witnessed what he has done for me. I have NEVER been more aware of him then I am now after everything I've gone through in the last 6 months.



When I first met Will, I was waivering in the church... not feeling like I belonged and I wasn't happy... not the way everyone says you will be if you do what you are supposed to being a mormon. Because somewhere inside of me I knew that we weren't supposed to be together (something I never would have admitted to back then), I feared so deeply that God would take him away from me. It was my constant anxiety companion... the fear that he would stop loving me, leave me, or die. I was angry with God... I would threaten in my own head that if he took him away from me that I'd never forgive him. After awhile, it got easier to just ignore everything I believed and try to push religion out of my life. I still always believed in God, mainly because it was how I was raised, but I didn't think about church or anything else related with the mormon religion, or any other religion.


Then my brother left on a mission. It was the first time in probably over a year that I started thinking about the church again. Nothing real serious, just questioning what I really believed. I started defending the church more, something I hadn't done in a long time.


The day before I moved to Montana, I went to my friend Hannah's homecoming. She had just returned from a mission and I felt like I should go. This was March 7th. I remember sitting in the chapel next to my friend Dave and looking around. We were at a Singles Ward, but all of Hannah's (and mostly mine) friends were there. Most of them married/engaged, and a lot of them with children. I remember the overwhelming feeling of desire and jealousy that filled me. I WANTED what they had. I wanted the life they had, and I didn't want mine anymore. I loved Will, and I wasn't ready to remotely face the idea of divorce, but for the first time, I did not like the life we had. It was as though the blinders came off and I could see very clearly for the first time in a long time. Things didn't start changing for about a month, but it definately woke me up.

At the end of April, I was extremely unhappy. I had been in Montana for a month and even though I loved my job, I was tired and sick ALL the time (It's what happens when you hang out with 2-year-olds all day... they carry germs like no other), and me and Will were fighting ALL the time. I decided to try something, and I paid my tithing for the first time. I didn't know what it would do, but people always say if you pay your tithing, you will be blessed. So I did. After that, I kept paying it. And just like that, everything about my marriage became clear and I was able to see just how hard everything really was and that I wasn't happy anymore. I wanted out and getting out was so much easier than I ever thought it would be. As stupid as it sounds, I have a newfound respect for God... mainly because until I was ready to let Will go, he never took him away from me. As soon as I asked, he helped me.

I'm struggling now. It's hard for me because the longer time goes without Will, the less I NEED him, and the more I miss him. I'm trying to stick with what God has done for me... and I know what I'm doing is right, but it's hard. Especially now that Will is telling me everything I wanted to hear 3 months ago. I'm not giving in, I promise. I am well aware that he's a bit too late for this... but it still makes my heart ache. But I believe in God in a way that I never have before, and I truly believe that he will not make me suffer for too long. I can't meet who I'm supposed to be with until I heal but as soon as I'm ready, things will happen.

Goodbye Miata

So last Monday, I put the Miata up for sale on ksl.com. I didn't put a sign in it, or post it anywhere else... just there. The car was depressing me... the one constant reminder of my divorce, because it's basically the only thing I got out of the divorce. It made me think of Will everytime I was in it and I couldn't handle it anymore... and I needed some money, so I put it up for sale.

Well, on Saturday, a guy came to look at it, LOVED it, and paid me $3500 in CASH... and not in hundred dollar bills, but TWENTIES, and drove it away. So, now I am car-less, and have to drive my dad's beater truck until I find a car. I don't mind though... now I don't have to think about the Miata anymore.

I took the cash to the bank today, and the teller just laughed her head off when I handed her the stack. As she counted the 175 twenty dollar bills, I asked her if I was the only person she'd seen do this, and she said that she gets people who pay in cash all the time... but normally it's 100 dollar bills... never has she seen 20's.

But oh well... now I am $3500 richer... and that's the last of my marriage. Seriously makes me want to cry.

As far as my 60 days no talking to Will thing... ya I failed. I made it 9 days before he called me. I have mastered the impulse to call him, and I don't call him anymore, but he calls me everytime without fail, and I have definately NOT mastered the impulse to not answer the phone. Why do divorces have to be so hard?????????? I hate it. And most of all, I hate that I still miss him.

2 months, 2 days, and 7 pounds later

Well, I've been away from Will for 2 months and 2 days, and I feel as though I haven't gone very far. I started reading a book today titled "It's called a breakup because it's broken". Very entertaining and insightful. Apparently, I'm not supposed to talk to him for 60 days. So starting tomorrow, I hope to be able to accomplish that goal. It frightens me a bit, since the longest I've ever gone without talking to him is 3 days, but I need to put some distance between us. He has recently decided that he wants me to come back. But until I tell him that I will (which I'm not doing) he refuses to let go of the 9 other girls he has on the side. I refuse to go back to something I was so miserable in. It's nearly impossible to talk to him anymore without either feeling so incredibly guilty (which I don't think I should have to feel) or so incredibly hurt because of these other women. He punishes me for not coming back by telling me about the other women. It's not fair, and I'm done. The biggest problem I'm going to have is not answering the phone or calling him back when he calls, because he always says he's not calling me anymore, but then a day later he does. I don't get it. A month ago, we were on the same page (or so I thought) by trying to be friends. Then he went to New Mexico and ever since he got back he's been almost begging me to come home, telling me that it's all my fault that our marriage failed, and that I'm the one who left him... well duh... we lived in Montana... it's not like he was going to leave his grandfathers house. So I'm deleting my Myspace account, because it's the only other connection I have as a way to "check up" on him, which I shouldn't be doing, and I'm going to hopefully go 60 days without talking to him. Hopefully that will change things for the better. I still would like to be friends with him, but I don't see that happening unless we get some distance first.

I went back to work at the Movie Theater, which I thought would be hard, and it was the first couple days, but then I remembered how much I loved working there. I have a lot of great friends I work with, people who know both me and Will and have given me some really awesome insight to my relationship that I never saw before, and I don't dread going to work anymore. The only draw back is that there are memories associated with it, but I'm working through them and things are getting better.

I've also had TINK for 2 months now. She's getting huge! She had to deal with her first rainstorm last night and this morning which she was not happy about, but I love her anyways. She's helped me a lot.

On a positive note, since I've left Montana, I have lost 7 pounds. It feels pretty good to be able to start losing some weight. I'm hoping to get the motivation up soon to start going to the gym, but I'm still just taking things one day at a time.

Well, that's all for today... here are some recent pictures I thought I'd post.
My most recent picture of myself

Tink and Tiger (my brother's cat) hangin out together.

Just for Aubrey

Just because you asked what I wished for today, I will tell you! :) Plus... I feel a need to vent some stuff so here goes!!

1. I wish I didn't have to take the BEGINNING photography class at Weber State... it's driving me crazy because I know so much more than everyone in my class.
2. I wish that I could just get over my ex-husband already and my divorce. I know it's supposed to take awhile, but honestly folks... I want the hard part to be over already!!!
3. I wish that my ex would stop asking me to come home. It's hard enough to have to let him go, let alone be confused over why ALL OF THE SUDDEN he wants me back.
4. I wish I could just stop talking to my ex... it would make my life SO much easier... but for some reason, I answer the phone whenever he calls.
5. I wish that I could walk around Weber State without thinking about William or Kevin... but there is a reminder of one of them anywhere I go.
6. I wish I could find the motivation to sell my car... it would solve so many financial issues.
7. I wish that I knew what ward I should attend... I can't decide where I should be.
8. I wish that my cat didn't know how to get out of the yard, but she's learned how and is wandering the front yard now and it's making me a paranoid wreck... she's all I have.
9. And last but not least... I wish that I could just get the guts up to talk to the one person I want to talk to the most.

However, I am thankful for the Weber State Health Center, and the Weber State Counseling center. I officially have a therapist and a brand new 6 months prescription for my low-thyroid medication. Hopefully that will help!

Family!

Last week, I had all of my favorite family in town! It was fabulous. My family from California and Philadelphia were here and I loved it. Although I had to work sometimes, I still got to go to Lagoon with them on Monday which was SO much fun. I haven't been there since 2002 so it was a lot of fun to go back. We had a big family dinner on Sunday night and I thought I'd post some pictures from that.

All of my cousins

My little cousin Jackson who I had never met, and my very favorite little girl EVER Kenlee... my cousin's daughter.

My mom and the best aunts in the ENTIRE world!

My mom getting beat up on the tramp by her brothers.

My aunt's and uncles and my mom and dad.

Well I had a great week and I can't wait to see them all again!!!!