Well, I can officially tell you what happened with my "illness". Last week, I had an appointment with my doctor for an annual... and she suggested having a STD pannel done since I just got divorced, so I did. One of the tests came back positive for Hepatitis C. Scariest thing EVER!
Well, I went to a family practice doctor yesterday to start treating it, and because I haven't ever done anything to warrant me having Hep C, he wanted to run another test to make sure. About half an hour ago, I found out that I DO NOT have Hep C. The first test was a false positive!!!!!!!! I'm SO relieved!!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
4 months apart, 3 months single
Per my aunts request... here's an update for you about my life.
I've officially been away from Montana for 4 months. Crazy how time flies. I can't say things have gotten easier. In certain aspects they have, such as I don't have a desperate need to be with Will anymore. I do miss him, but I know I have made the right choice. I know it sounds dumb and is probably completely wrong of me to say, but right now the hardest thing is that I am hurting him. (I know that it sounds rediculous, but I can't help it. That's what love is right? You don't want the other person to hurt, even if they hurt you. And yes, I do still love him. I don't know if that will ever change.) He wants me to come back so bad, it's crazy. The problem is that he should have said the things he is saying 4 months ago before I left. He's literally begging (and I mean crying/guilt trips/telling me how much he loves and misses me) me to come back. I can't. I just can't do that again. He hurt me too bad after our divorce... and even if we were divorced, the things he did were hurtful and mean. I'm finally getting to the point where some days I don't want to talk to him! And some days I don't. I still don't call him unless I need something, but he still calls me almost every day.
For the last week, I have been in fear of having to deal with a possible "illness" that is not easily fixed. I don't want to go into too much detail about it because until I know for sure that I have it, I don't want to freak people out. I had a blood test that says that I have it, however the doctor I went to see yesterday thinks there is a good chance that the test was wrong. I haven't done anything that would cause me to get this and so he's going to check again and let me know. Lucky me, I'll probably find out the results of the test in Disneyland. Lets pray I'm ok cause I don't want to have to deal with something like this. It really scares me.
Working at the theater is fabulous! I absolutely love it! Sounds crazy? Yes... but I forgot how much I love it there. My bosses are FABULOUS not to mention my friends. I work 3-4 days a week in the box office where I can just read and do homework when it's not busy (which is most of the time) and I almost always work days so I don't have to close. I love it.
I've also been helping out my cousin by watching her two-year-old daughter Kenlee while she's at work. She just started this week, but I'm going to be watching her on the mornings I don't work. I think I forgot how much I LOVE two-year-olds. Maybe I'm crazy or somethin, but I love them. Kenlee is so smart. She comunicates so much better than most of the two-year-olds that were in my daycare. I can ask her a question and she answers it... even if it's something that I thought would confuse her, it doesn't. She does a lot of sign language which I'm slowly learning (probably more to her frustration cause it takes me a minute to figure out what she's asking). This is actually probably the highlight of my week... hangin out with a two-year-old. I love it!!!!!
I've officially been away from Montana for 4 months. Crazy how time flies. I can't say things have gotten easier. In certain aspects they have, such as I don't have a desperate need to be with Will anymore. I do miss him, but I know I have made the right choice. I know it sounds dumb and is probably completely wrong of me to say, but right now the hardest thing is that I am hurting him. (I know that it sounds rediculous, but I can't help it. That's what love is right? You don't want the other person to hurt, even if they hurt you. And yes, I do still love him. I don't know if that will ever change.) He wants me to come back so bad, it's crazy. The problem is that he should have said the things he is saying 4 months ago before I left. He's literally begging (and I mean crying/guilt trips/telling me how much he loves and misses me) me to come back. I can't. I just can't do that again. He hurt me too bad after our divorce... and even if we were divorced, the things he did were hurtful and mean. I'm finally getting to the point where some days I don't want to talk to him! And some days I don't. I still don't call him unless I need something, but he still calls me almost every day.
For the last week, I have been in fear of having to deal with a possible "illness" that is not easily fixed. I don't want to go into too much detail about it because until I know for sure that I have it, I don't want to freak people out. I had a blood test that says that I have it, however the doctor I went to see yesterday thinks there is a good chance that the test was wrong. I haven't done anything that would cause me to get this and so he's going to check again and let me know. Lucky me, I'll probably find out the results of the test in Disneyland. Lets pray I'm ok cause I don't want to have to deal with something like this. It really scares me.
Working at the theater is fabulous! I absolutely love it! Sounds crazy? Yes... but I forgot how much I love it there. My bosses are FABULOUS not to mention my friends. I work 3-4 days a week in the box office where I can just read and do homework when it's not busy (which is most of the time) and I almost always work days so I don't have to close. I love it.
I've also been helping out my cousin by watching her two-year-old daughter Kenlee while she's at work. She just started this week, but I'm going to be watching her on the mornings I don't work. I think I forgot how much I LOVE two-year-olds. Maybe I'm crazy or somethin, but I love them. Kenlee is so smart. She comunicates so much better than most of the two-year-olds that were in my daycare. I can ask her a question and she answers it... even if it's something that I thought would confuse her, it doesn't. She does a lot of sign language which I'm slowly learning (probably more to her frustration cause it takes me a minute to figure out what she's asking). This is actually probably the highlight of my week... hangin out with a two-year-old. I love it!!!!!
I took some pics of Kenlee today, I thought I'd post. She's so cute!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
In Need of Something More
I feel the need to go on a small vacation by myself. I'm going to California on Friday to Disneyland and to see Hollywood (which I have never seen before so I'm ESTATIC!) and I can hardly wait. Maybe that'll be enough to satisfy me, but I really want to go to like a tiny town on the coast of some bay of water to a tiny little inn and be by myself in an environment I'm completely new to. I think that's why I want to go to Forks so bad. I don't know... I just need to get away by myself... I don't know... I'm frustrated! But like I said... California just may be the thing I need to clear my head. Life is seriously frustrating me right now!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Hello Protege!
Yes, I got a new car tonight!!!! It's a 1997 Mazda Protege and I got it for $3200. It has a sunroof, a great stereo with CD/MP3/iPod hookups, auto, a/c, cruise control, and well... it's a great car! I'm stoked!!!!!!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
CALI here I come!!!!!!
Yes folks... I'm going back to Disneyland and I can't WAIT!!!!! I'm so excited! I'm leaving Oct. 24th and will be back Tues the 28th. I only get to go to Disneyland on Monday, but that's ok. I get to spend 3 1/2 days in California and I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Ever wonder where my love for animals came from?
My hampster, Thumper
Mowgliand after Mowgli came my kitten Snickers, which I do not have a picture of
Milo
Milo's five kittens, Tiger, Piglet, Eeyore, Gonzo, and Pooh
Roxy and Lucky
Sam and Luna, my Cedar City kitties who technically were Jessica and Tisha's. (My roommates)
Grizz... my favorite dog in the whole entire world. He's not mine, but I love him just the same!
Tiger, my brother's cat
And finally, TINK. My brand new not so much a baby anymore kitten.So there ya go. All the pets I have had, or lived with at some point.
(With the exception of Java, the dog I hate, and my ex-mother-in-laws four cats)
Why I Believe In God
For anyone who knows me, or has spent any significant amount of time with me in the last 7 years will know that I have struggled with my religion. I am technically a mormon and I believe in the church, just struggle to follow it the way I should. I have questions and doubts in ways I probably shouldn't have. I know the answers to my questions, but I have a difficult time accepting them sometimes. But one thing has never wavered and that's my belief in God.
I believe in God more today than I ever have before. I have witnessed what he has done for me. I have NEVER been more aware of him then I am now after everything I've gone through in the last 6 months.
When I first met Will, I was waivering in the church... not feeling like I belonged and I wasn't happy... not the way everyone says you will be if you do what you are supposed to being a mormon. Because somewhere inside of me I knew that we weren't supposed to be together (something I never would have admitted to back then), I feared so deeply that God would take him away from me. It was my constant anxiety companion... the fear that he would stop loving me, leave me, or die. I was angry with God... I would threaten in my own head that if he took him away from me that I'd never forgive him. After awhile, it got easier to just ignore everything I believed and try to push religion out of my life. I still always believed in God, mainly because it was how I was raised, but I didn't think about church or anything else related with the mormon religion, or any other religion.
Then my brother left on a mission. It was the first time in probably over a year that I started thinking about the church again. Nothing real serious, just questioning what I really believed. I started defending the church more, something I hadn't done in a long time.
The day before I moved to Montana, I went to my friend Hannah's homecoming. She had just returned from a mission and I felt like I should go. This was March 7th. I remember sitting in the chapel next to my friend Dave and looking around. We were at a Singles Ward, but all of Hannah's (and mostly mine) friends were there. Most of them married/engaged, and a lot of them with children. I remember the overwhelming feeling of desire and jealousy that filled me. I WANTED what they had. I wanted the life they had, and I didn't want mine anymore. I loved Will, and I wasn't ready to remotely face the idea of divorce, but for the first time, I did not like the life we had. It was as though the blinders came off and I could see very clearly for the first time in a long time. Things didn't start changing for about a month, but it definately woke me up.
At the end of April, I was extremely unhappy. I had been in Montana for a month and even though I loved my job, I was tired and sick ALL the time (It's what happens when you hang out with 2-year-olds all day... they carry germs like no other), and me and Will were fighting ALL the time. I decided to try something, and I paid my tithing for the first time. I didn't know what it would do, but people always say if you pay your tithing, you will be blessed. So I did. After that, I kept paying it. And just like that, everything about my marriage became clear and I was able to see just how hard everything really was and that I wasn't happy anymore. I wanted out and getting out was so much easier than I ever thought it would be. As stupid as it sounds, I have a newfound respect for God... mainly because until I was ready to let Will go, he never took him away from me. As soon as I asked, he helped me.
I'm struggling now. It's hard for me because the longer time goes without Will, the less I NEED him, and the more I miss him. I'm trying to stick with what God has done for me... and I know what I'm doing is right, but it's hard. Especially now that Will is telling me everything I wanted to hear 3 months ago. I'm not giving in, I promise. I am well aware that he's a bit too late for this... but it still makes my heart ache. But I believe in God in a way that I never have before, and I truly believe that he will not make me suffer for too long. I can't meet who I'm supposed to be with until I heal but as soon as I'm ready, things will happen.
I believe in God more today than I ever have before. I have witnessed what he has done for me. I have NEVER been more aware of him then I am now after everything I've gone through in the last 6 months.
When I first met Will, I was waivering in the church... not feeling like I belonged and I wasn't happy... not the way everyone says you will be if you do what you are supposed to being a mormon. Because somewhere inside of me I knew that we weren't supposed to be together (something I never would have admitted to back then), I feared so deeply that God would take him away from me. It was my constant anxiety companion... the fear that he would stop loving me, leave me, or die. I was angry with God... I would threaten in my own head that if he took him away from me that I'd never forgive him. After awhile, it got easier to just ignore everything I believed and try to push religion out of my life. I still always believed in God, mainly because it was how I was raised, but I didn't think about church or anything else related with the mormon religion, or any other religion.
Then my brother left on a mission. It was the first time in probably over a year that I started thinking about the church again. Nothing real serious, just questioning what I really believed. I started defending the church more, something I hadn't done in a long time.
The day before I moved to Montana, I went to my friend Hannah's homecoming. She had just returned from a mission and I felt like I should go. This was March 7th. I remember sitting in the chapel next to my friend Dave and looking around. We were at a Singles Ward, but all of Hannah's (and mostly mine) friends were there. Most of them married/engaged, and a lot of them with children. I remember the overwhelming feeling of desire and jealousy that filled me. I WANTED what they had. I wanted the life they had, and I didn't want mine anymore. I loved Will, and I wasn't ready to remotely face the idea of divorce, but for the first time, I did not like the life we had. It was as though the blinders came off and I could see very clearly for the first time in a long time. Things didn't start changing for about a month, but it definately woke me up.
At the end of April, I was extremely unhappy. I had been in Montana for a month and even though I loved my job, I was tired and sick ALL the time (It's what happens when you hang out with 2-year-olds all day... they carry germs like no other), and me and Will were fighting ALL the time. I decided to try something, and I paid my tithing for the first time. I didn't know what it would do, but people always say if you pay your tithing, you will be blessed. So I did. After that, I kept paying it. And just like that, everything about my marriage became clear and I was able to see just how hard everything really was and that I wasn't happy anymore. I wanted out and getting out was so much easier than I ever thought it would be. As stupid as it sounds, I have a newfound respect for God... mainly because until I was ready to let Will go, he never took him away from me. As soon as I asked, he helped me.
I'm struggling now. It's hard for me because the longer time goes without Will, the less I NEED him, and the more I miss him. I'm trying to stick with what God has done for me... and I know what I'm doing is right, but it's hard. Especially now that Will is telling me everything I wanted to hear 3 months ago. I'm not giving in, I promise. I am well aware that he's a bit too late for this... but it still makes my heart ache. But I believe in God in a way that I never have before, and I truly believe that he will not make me suffer for too long. I can't meet who I'm supposed to be with until I heal but as soon as I'm ready, things will happen.
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