Demons In Your Head

This weekend I went through something I've never truly experienced before. I can ily describe it as my mind went through what can only be described as hell. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life and because of it, I feel I need to clear my head.

I've been struggling a lot the last few weeks with some stuff. Approximately 11 weeks ago, I met someone who can only be described as someone with every quality I could ever ask for in a partner if not more. He was genuinely amazing... And also my boss. When I met him, I knew I couldn't date him until training was over so I pushed out of my head and that lasted about 2 weeks. 9 weeks ago, I could no longer deny what I was feeling or how true he felt. I wasn't thinking he was it, but I knew he COULD be it. I spent 7 exruciating weeks pretty much in agony over this boy that could very possibly be everything I was looking for! And I had no reason to believe he DIDNT like me too. We went on a date, he took me to lunch everyday for the last week of training... He seemed to want to date me too. I was wrong. He immediately asked someone else out at the end of training. I spent 7 weeks stressing myself out over this boys that turned out to break my heart in the end. Now I'm a relatively strong person. I've been through a lot this last year and I know I don't need the acceptance of a boy to be happy... But something snapped on Saturday.

I had a near mental breakdown. Everything I had pushed out of my head came rushing forward and even though I knew everything I was feeling was ridiculous and wrong, I couldn't help myself from thinking it or bring myself to see reason. It was one of the worst nights in my life and I've come to the realization yet again just how powerful Satan can be in the most vulnerable times. I've been helping my friend Brandon battle his own personal demons for a few weeks, but that day, I felt them in a way I have never felt before. I was ready to throw out everything I believe so strongly in because I felt like I didn't deserve happiness, or someone who made me feel worth something.

If it weren't for my amazing friends, I don't know where I'd be. They make me see reason in the darkest of times. I would not have friends as fabulous as them if I wasn't a decent, good person.

So I want to say thank you to a few people who got me out of my own personal hell this weekend:

To Brandon: I'm sure you won't read this, but I want to say thank you anyways. I've known you the least but with everything that has happened with Matt over the last few weeks, you've been there. You let me cry and stayed with me all day on the day I found out. You always care if I'm not ok and you are always there for me.

To Jarrod: You are one of my closest friends and know more about my situation and life with Will than just about anyone. You've always been there for me and even though we have our struggles occasionally, I really do appreciate that you are always there for me!

To Andrea: You are always there if I need a friend! I love talking to you! Thank you for yesterday... Getting me out of my house and having a girls night and letting me vent! I love you and I'm so glad we made it through everything!

To Mandy: Thank you for always texting me and making sure I'm ok and letting me vent! You are the friend I've known the longest and I love that you are always there for me!

To Lindsey and Emily: Thank you for being there always! I love you both! You're like the sisters I've never had!

To Aubrey: Words cannot say what I would do without you! You are truly the ONE person who really understands what I have gone through and I just want to say thank youfor always being there and letting me vent! Thank you for being one of the best best friends anyone could ask for!

And last but not least: To Jenn: you are my rock. I honestly would be so far lost without you! You are consistently there and never failing! You don't hesitate to tell me the truth and I appreciate that more than you know! You keep me strong and help me EVERYDAY! You never judge me when I'm feeling weak and you always help me to see reason when I'm ready to throw it all away. Between you and Aubrey, I have the two best friends in the whole world. I honestly cannot put one of you above the other. You both are amazing and I love you! Thank you for always being there! Even when I'm totally crazy and not thinking straight!

If I missed anyone, I'm sorry! This was just my list of those who helped me this weekend. To my other friends and family... You are always there for me and I love you!

As for now, I'm doing much better. I've gotten through this and I will be just fine! I just never want to forget this horrible experience. If it ever happens again, I want to know that I survived it once, so that's why I documented it!

Anyways, I'm gonna head into work now so have a great day everyone!!

And again, THANK YOU!