Why I Believe In God

For anyone who knows me, or has spent any significant amount of time with me in the last 7 years will know that I have struggled with my religion. I am technically a mormon and I believe in the church, just struggle to follow it the way I should. I have questions and doubts in ways I probably shouldn't have. I know the answers to my questions, but I have a difficult time accepting them sometimes. But one thing has never wavered and that's my belief in God.



I believe in God more today than I ever have before. I have witnessed what he has done for me. I have NEVER been more aware of him then I am now after everything I've gone through in the last 6 months.



When I first met Will, I was waivering in the church... not feeling like I belonged and I wasn't happy... not the way everyone says you will be if you do what you are supposed to being a mormon. Because somewhere inside of me I knew that we weren't supposed to be together (something I never would have admitted to back then), I feared so deeply that God would take him away from me. It was my constant anxiety companion... the fear that he would stop loving me, leave me, or die. I was angry with God... I would threaten in my own head that if he took him away from me that I'd never forgive him. After awhile, it got easier to just ignore everything I believed and try to push religion out of my life. I still always believed in God, mainly because it was how I was raised, but I didn't think about church or anything else related with the mormon religion, or any other religion.


Then my brother left on a mission. It was the first time in probably over a year that I started thinking about the church again. Nothing real serious, just questioning what I really believed. I started defending the church more, something I hadn't done in a long time.


The day before I moved to Montana, I went to my friend Hannah's homecoming. She had just returned from a mission and I felt like I should go. This was March 7th. I remember sitting in the chapel next to my friend Dave and looking around. We were at a Singles Ward, but all of Hannah's (and mostly mine) friends were there. Most of them married/engaged, and a lot of them with children. I remember the overwhelming feeling of desire and jealousy that filled me. I WANTED what they had. I wanted the life they had, and I didn't want mine anymore. I loved Will, and I wasn't ready to remotely face the idea of divorce, but for the first time, I did not like the life we had. It was as though the blinders came off and I could see very clearly for the first time in a long time. Things didn't start changing for about a month, but it definately woke me up.

At the end of April, I was extremely unhappy. I had been in Montana for a month and even though I loved my job, I was tired and sick ALL the time (It's what happens when you hang out with 2-year-olds all day... they carry germs like no other), and me and Will were fighting ALL the time. I decided to try something, and I paid my tithing for the first time. I didn't know what it would do, but people always say if you pay your tithing, you will be blessed. So I did. After that, I kept paying it. And just like that, everything about my marriage became clear and I was able to see just how hard everything really was and that I wasn't happy anymore. I wanted out and getting out was so much easier than I ever thought it would be. As stupid as it sounds, I have a newfound respect for God... mainly because until I was ready to let Will go, he never took him away from me. As soon as I asked, he helped me.

I'm struggling now. It's hard for me because the longer time goes without Will, the less I NEED him, and the more I miss him. I'm trying to stick with what God has done for me... and I know what I'm doing is right, but it's hard. Especially now that Will is telling me everything I wanted to hear 3 months ago. I'm not giving in, I promise. I am well aware that he's a bit too late for this... but it still makes my heart ache. But I believe in God in a way that I never have before, and I truly believe that he will not make me suffer for too long. I can't meet who I'm supposed to be with until I heal but as soon as I'm ready, things will happen.